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Currently Playing: You Can Become Securely Attached Even If You Didn’t Start Out That Way

You've taken the quiz and you've read the books, so you know your attachment style. But last night your partner said, "We need to talk," and your whole body went off like a car alarm. That anxiety or panic is an insecure attachment style doing its thing. So, the real question is: can you actually change it? And the real answer is yes, you can. It's called earned secure attachment; it's real, and researchers have been studying it for decades. Today you'll learn what earned secure attachment really is, the three things earned secure attachment is not, and the five tools to start building it this week. Chapters 0:00 Intro 02:13 What Is Earned Secure Attachment? 07:23 Three Things Earned Secure Attachment Is Not 13:42 How Do You Know It’s Working? Check Your Repair Speed 22:21 The Three Routes That Actually Build Earned Security 23:19 Route 1: You make sense of the story 24:29 Route 2: You get into a corrective relationship 28:44 Route 3: You practice on purpose 32:49 Five Tools to Start Building Earned Security This Week 33:00 Tool 1: Time your repair 33:38 Tool 2: Tell the whole story out loud, all the way through, one time 34:45 Tool 3: Borrow a nervous system on purpose 36:29 Tool 4: Catch the prediction before you act on it 37:55 Tool 5: Make the miss the practice ❤️ Don’t forget to LIKE and SUBSCRIBE! 👉 Full blog and show notes: https://abbymedcalf.com/earned-secure-attachment 👉 Grab Your Repair Speed Baseline: How long does it take you to come back: https://abbymedcalf.com/repair-speed-baseline Join my online community, One Love Collective, on Substack: https://abbymedcalf.com/substack. You'll get... ✨ Early drops + ad-free podcast episodes ✨ Worksheets, journal prompts, downloads, and guided visualizations ✨ Community chats and live Q&A calls with Abby _________ Resources Download the Bundle https://morning-voice-5477.kit.com/products/therapy-to-go-rme-393 How Attached Are You in Your Relationship https://abbymedcalf.com/how-attached-are-you-in-your-relationship/ How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Personal Relationships https://youtu.be/o-fAga2pigM Loving an Anxious Partner: Why Reassurance Alone Doesn’t Work https://youtu.be/KEMal0zvm7o Avoidant Attachment Style: Why They Pull Away and What to Do https://youtu.be/0dRksVkwhlo How Do You Know If You’re Making the Right Decision/Following Your Gut https://youtu.be/rBlYrPARf5E Emotional Healing Techniques: Mastering Mindfulness and Self-Acceptance/Compassion https://youtu.be/cBsgRbEb-yk Mindfulness Starter Kit https://abbymedcalf.com/product/mindfulness-starter-kit/ References 1. Pearson, J. L., Cohn, D. A., Cowan, P. A., & Cowan, C. P. (1994). Earned- and continuous-security in adult attachment: Relation to depressive symptomatology and parenting style. Development and Psychopathology, 6(2), 359–373. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1994-45336-001 2. Filosa, M., Sharp, C., Gori, A., & Musetti, A. (2024). A comprehensive scoping review of empirical studies on earned secure attachment. Psychological Reports, 129(3), 1807–1832. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/39207034/ 3. Main, M., Kaplan, N., & Cassidy, J. (1985). Security in infancy, childhood, and adulthood: A move to the level of representation. Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 50(1/2), 66–104. https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Ft02879-000 See the full list at https://abbymedcalf.com/earned-secure-attachment _________ Subscribe to the Love Letter and get my little messages each week! https://abbymedcalf.com/loveletter-opt-in/ 👉 Pick up a copy of my new book, Boundaries Made Easy: Your Roadmap to Connection, Ease and Joy: https://abbymedcalf.com/boundaries 👉 Pick up The Workbook: Boundaries Made Easier to use as a companion to the book or as a standalone masterclass: https://abbymedcalf.com/boundaries-workbook 👉 Buy my #1 bestselling book on Amazon, Be Happily Married: Even If Your Partner Won’t Do a Thing: https://abbymedcalf.com/book ____________________________ Looking for past episodes of the Relationships Made Easy Podcast? Head over to https://abbymedcalf.com/podcast-the-archives where you’ll find past episodes. Ready to dig deeper? Take one of my online courses (some are FREE!) or grab a workbook: https://abbymedcalf.com/resources Say hello on social: Substack: https://substack.com/@abbymedcalfphd Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/abbymedcalfthriving LinkedIn: https://linkedin.com/in/abbymedcalfthriving TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@abbymedcalfphd YouTube: https://abbymedcalf.com/youtube