Citation Needed, from the Technical Difficulties

This is the Technical Difficulties, we're playing Citation Needed. Joining me in the studio today: he reads books you know, it's Chris Joel! Spoken suggesters of salacious superlative are we. You got an S! Yes! Everybody's favorite Gary Brannan: Gary Brannan! And now on Radio 3: Flatulence from the Royal Albert Hall. And the bounciest man on the internet: Matt Gray! Hello YouTube! In front of me I have an article from Wikipedia and these folks can't see it. Every fact they get right is a point and a ding [DING] And there's a special prize for particularly good answers which is... And today we are talking about Sidney Abram Weltmer. Oooh! If he didn't win a sporting event or invent some kind of metalworking process, then quite frankly, I am out of here. Right, so that's two things narrowed there. Neither of those! See, the thing is, you do the walk off and then you either have to commit to it, or you have to do the awkward walk back that you just did. Oh, it's always the awkward walk back. It's the 'teacher walking to the dance floor at the school disco' walk, is how I like to call it. Yes. Yup. Sidney Abram Weltmer. He did invent something. I will actually give you a point. [DING] Thank you. He has invented something. It's not a steelworking process. It's not even vaguely engineering. But it is a ridiculous invention. Is it an American person? Er... yes. Wooster, Ohio. Have a point. [DING] Cat-powered glider. I'm still going to count that as being under engineering. [Laughter] I would like to *see* a cat powered glider, but... Mraaaaow! Cat-powered, that's — a glider, not exactly powered. There's a logical fallacy in there. You can't have a powered glider. Yeah, that's fair. That's fair. Sorry. I love the fact we're all glossing over the cat part, we're all just quibbling with 'powered glider'. For all the power that a cat is going to supply, it is a glider. Despite having an ostensible power source. They'll just be stood at the back, looking disinterested. Also: always going to land the right way down. Sidney Abram Weltmer. Was it something literary that they came up with? No, no. 1858 – 1930. He came up with the 'Weltmer Method', otherwise known as 'Weltmerism'. Oh. Is it... I was going to say farming, but that sounds more like religion. Oh. You're closer with religion, but not that close. Certainly something... Schooling. A way of timing downhill skiing. [Laughter] The Weltmer Method! — Exactly. — Yeah. One one thousand! [Sesame Street 'Count' voice] Two one thousand! Brick wall! Boomf! Is it... the one that begins with an H, I don't remember what it's called? Is it about measuring ghosts? Oh, hololistic... holololistic... Moloholololololomystic methods? Harmystic legison, there? Holololo... solo... syllogistic... If anyone can actually get the words out, they'll get... Holistic medicine! ...I'll give you a point for it. No, give it to him, he thought of it. [DING] That's the one with the really diluted stuff. Holistic medicine. No, you're thinking homeop... — Homeopathy. — Oh, homeopaths. It's not homeopathy. It's something a little bit weirder than even that. Something that you do as a programme, or in a belief sense. You believe you're better, so you are better. Ooh. I'm going to give Matt the point for that, clearly. [DING] It's a placebo effect? It's suggestions and hypnosis. He called it 'magnetic healing'. Ohhh! As opposed to Marvin Gaye's 'Sexual Healing'. [Laughter] So he provided classes in magnetic healing. I don't think it actually had anything to do with magnets. I mean... Well, you can have him on one point then, can't you. [Laughter] No, it was all to do with charisma. Well, I think — yes, in the sense of 'magnetic personality'. Klonk! [Laughter] Yeah. Rather than a sense of... [Grunts] My ferric shoulder, apparently. Matt Gray's ferric shoulder. But this was 'magnetic' in the sense of charisma. It was clairvoyance and hypnotic suggestion. So someone schmoozes you better, effectively? Essentially, yeah. It's Derek ****ing Acorah, isn't it? It is a little bit Derek Acorah, yeah. Derek Acorah doesn't heal people. Nor did this bloke. For those of you in the 'abroads' parts of the world, Derek Acorah's professional title is [Music] ' — BISCUITS! (Oh yeah!)' [Laughter] Erm... Tom, just bleep the whole thing out. That's what you're going to do. [Laughter] Just have... The technical term for Derek Acorah is this: You'll get that in due course, gentlemen. [Laughter] Yes, that's about right. He founded the Institute of Suggestive Therapeutics. That's brilliant! Eh? Eh? Know what I mean? The Institute of Made-Up Things! Yeah, essentially, yes. Well, suggestion in the sense that he would suggest to you. And what was he trying to cure? Hysteria. Gonna say, some kind of mental health condition. Broken toes. We're talking late 19th-century quackery, aren't we really? A little bit, yeah. Tobacco addiction. So he was kind of doing hypnotherapy for... — That was a thing back then? — That was... Because I thought of that, but then I thought that was too far ago for people to even notice. So effectively, people were paying to come to his office while he's sat there, in his nicest suit and his most leatherbound of chairs, and just kind of go, 'You don't really want fags, do you?' — 'Stop smoking!' — Yeah. 'You don't really fancy one now.' 'How are you feeling?' 'Won't like a fag.' 'Come back, give me a tenner next time.' Yeah. Suggestive, though, isn't it like: 'Have you tried, you know...? Not? Not being addicted?' There were physical ailments in there as well. Nowadays we've got a little thing you go [puff] for, but in those days... — Asthma? — Asthma? Yep. Point. [DING] 'Have you tried breathing properly?' That's pretty much what it was. 'You sound like you're breathing fine to me, I have to say.' A ten-day course cost a hundred dollars, which doesn't sound like much until you realize this was 1897. What's that now? A simple calculation is about three thousand dollars for a course there, in modern money... that would tell you to cure your asthma by thinking about it. Well, not bad. If someone were to pay me three grand for telling you you're fine, I can do that as well! [Laughter] I'd say postal order, or white fivers in non-sequential numbereds. Erm... there is also a large section here on Controversy. — Oh, really? — Yes. I can't believe that. Some preachers and doctors were not convinced... 'Some preachers' — oh God. ...of the validity of his methods. But some were cool with it, and were getting a cut as well, no doubt. Was his retort, 'Have you tried thinking that you *are* fine with me doing this?' Yeah! [Laughter] What did the U.S. Postmaster General do? Punched him in the nuts. [Laughter] 'Go on, pretend *this*!' Boosh! 'Hoooh!' 'Go on, think yourself better off that!' 'Urghhh!' ...as he's dry-heaving on the floor. 'Liar!' he cried, as he emptied letters all over him. [Laughter] He did cry 'Liar', I'll give you a point for that. Spit take! He did cry 'Liar', I'll give you a point for that [DING], amidst the nut-hittery that was in there. What can the Postmaster General do, though? Fly. [Laughter] What *options* does the Postmaster General have? — Nuclear. — First or second class. Ha! Signed for! Signed for: nut kick! [Laughter] 'I'm not signing that!' 'Well, I can deliver it to next door.' 'Go ahead.' 'We tried to deliver: A NUT KICK today.' 'When would you like us to redeliver?' 'Return to sender.' It's one of the few times where the mail service will be delivering *to* a package. ALL: Wahey! You're on form today! Yaay! This joke sponsored by Radio 4. Postmaster General... They called him a liar. Yes. Called him a fraud and therefore...? Er... well, took his inhaler. Refused to deliver. Which the Postmaster General could do. Really! 'I'm sorry, you're talking ****, I'm not going to deliver anything to you.' — 'I'm not delivering your letters.' — Yeah. The U.S. Supreme Court eventually decided in Weltmer's favour, and the Postmaster General was forced to continue delivering. Himself. But it went to the U.S. Supreme Court. Royal Mail can't do that. No, Royal Mail have to continue delivering. What if the Queen — it is her mail service... What if she decides a guy's a bit of a ****? [Queen voice] 'I don't want him to get letters, he has to go to the depot.' Isn't that basically what Prince Charles does these days? — What, go to the depot and fetch letters for his Mum? — Yeah, I reckon. No, sorry — meddles in things, and goes, 'No.' Well, he tries to and they ignore him. Yes. Going down to the depot: 'She's got a bloody Amazon package again!' 'The entirety of Game of Thrones! She's been on her own one for sixty years!' ...he quips, and nobody laughs at him. 'The thing is, they left a card saying nobody was in!' 'We have over three hundred members of staff!' 'Who was not at the door when they knocked!' 'I don't believe they did!' No, the delivery person got to the front gate, and there's just a guy in a hat, stood still. 'Could you sign...? Sorry, could you sign for this, please?' '...could... could you sign...' Just writes 'hand delivered' on it and sticks it in his hat. Just poking out of Marge Simpson's hair. — Oh ****! — What? I didn't hit Record. Mail was restored. The U.S. Supreme Court decided in his favour. But it did make it all the way to the Supreme Court. There was also a case brought before the Supreme Court of Missouri, against the Reverend M. Bishop, for libel. And frankly, 'Reverend Bishop' is a pretty good name. You want him to keep going up the clerical scale. Because if you don't get Archbishop Bishop... Diagonally up. — Yeah, diagonally. — Ha-hey! Why was there a libel case against Reverend Bishop? What did he call Weltmer? A nobber. That's — no, in U.S. law, that's opinion, and that's fine. — Oh, okay. — Really! Yeah. U.S. libel law... Hello, Acorah? Yeah. No, U.S. libel law is much less strict than the U.K.'s. Opinion is justified in the First Amendment. In my opinion, Derek Acorah is a ****. That's fine. Actually, genuine exemption under U.K. libel law for vulgar abuse. **** **** ****! [Laughter] Those are his middle names. Ah! That's a statement of fact. Oho! Anyway — what did Bishop call Weltmer? A ****bag. Opinion. A factual ****bag. A liar. Yeah, I'll give you the point. [DING] 'Miserable charlatan'. Oooh! You see, 'a charlatan', he could take. But actually he was a fellow full of joie de vivre. [Laughter] He wasn't going to stand for that! 'What! I throw the very best of parties. I just don't understand!' 'I'm not having "miserable"!' 'My magnetic personality!' 'I *tell* everyone I throw the very best of parties and they seem to believe me.' [Laughter] The Institute, though, treated a huge number of people. At its height, how many people a day went through its doors, paying about a hundred 1895 dollars each? It's going to be a high number if you're asking us to guess it. — Yeah. — How many people a day? How many people a day went through, paying... Couple of hundred? Twenty. I was going to ballpark somewhere around Gary, so... Yeah. Four hundred. [DING] About four hundred a day, paying what is now about three grand each. So it wasn't just him, then? It wasn't just him. Seventeen healers, a hundred stenographers and typists to process mail. This was a big institute. This is bull**** on an industrial scale. Yeah, it really is. Just raking it in for going, 'Ah, you're fine.' Yeah. Right, chaps, we need to get in on this racket. Whoa, whoa. Engage the time machine, we'll make a mint. There is one practitioner here, J.O. Crone. — 'Genuine Old Crone'. — Yep. Oh, no, it'd be G, wouldn't it. Ah, whatever. You're not going to get a more late 19th-century name than 'J.O. Crone', are you really? How much training did you get before... None! Yes, absolutely right. [DING] He wrote of his first hypnosis, of a woman patient: '...this was my first attempt to hypnotize a patient.' Can you imagine busking, trying to get someone to be hypnotized? And just viciously making it up at that point in time. 'So just, er, lie down... close your eyes...? That working for you?' 'Yes! It is, isn't it? Oooh, you're feeling sleepy!' Well, there will be placebo effect, people who want to play along...  it may still have worked. Particularly if she'd been there before a couple of times, and knew the procedure. She might have walked out of there *feeling* better. One of the people he hired, of course, had the Vicious Punching Method of getting people to be hypnotized. 'Go! To! Sleep!' 'Well, me asthma's gone, but me eye really aches.' [Laughter] There was also a book. There was of course a book. What do you reckon it was about? 'I Can Bull**** You Better.' No, you see, it wasn't on the side of 'this is how to heal someone'... Accounting? Oh, did you do it as a correspondence course? No, Matt, I'm going to give you a point again. [DING] 'How to make magnetic healing pay'. He's not even making it out that it's actually useful, is he? He's just about 'Me And My Money: How I Got Your Cash'. '...a thorough knowledge of Magnetic Healing alone will not bring success...' '...a knowledge of the business side [...] is necessary as well.' It was a get-rich-quick scheme. I should point out here: you can't libel the dead. And he's definitely dead. So I'm going to describe that as a get-rich-quick scheme. As you can't libel the dead: ******. Again: opinion. Well, on that opinion, congratulations Matt. You win this week's show, quite clearly. Congratulations — you win tiny deep-fried mashed potato balls, presented by an American folk hero every day for a week. No! Gno...cchi...? No, go on... They are Davy Crockett's dainty croquettes daily. — Ughh! — Heyy! With that, we say thank you to Chris Joel! Matt Gray! Gary Brannan! I've been Tom Scott. We'll see you next time. [Laughter] All: Oooh! That is my rank in the army. [Laughter] Have a point. [DING] Sergeant Major — Sergeant Reckless! — You get a point for... — Yay! ...for successfully saying this is something or someone. Right, that's the end, we can go home. Personal b... Right, see you, everybody. [Laughter] That's us done for the day. Will you both...! [Translating these subtitles? Add your name here!]