Shoot From The Hip's Improvised Plays

[applause and cheers] I'm a virgin. I'm getting a bit worried about it to be honest. Oh my god! I th- I just saw a tiny bald man. We are live, in front of you guys now going to improvise an entire play. It's gonna have a beginning, a middle, and hopefully an end. But we shall see. All I need from you guys, is the name of this epic improvised tale. Someone's put their hand up. "The Seven Sins of the Screaming Menopausals." - I'm gonna put a pin in that one for a moment. - Tom: Do we love it? Can I get another one, please! [overlapping shouts from audience] What was that one? "Toby's Secret Pocket" Who likes that? Give us a cheer for Toby's Secret Pocket! [cheers] Alright. Ladies and gentlemen, can we please now give a massive round of applause to bring on this epic tale TOBY'S SECRET POCKEEEEEEET! [applause and cheers] [sucks on pipe] [blows smoke] [sucks on pipe] There it is. Sam: Mm-hmm. My next work of genius. (Southern American accent) It's so good darlin'. You are the best tailor this country has ever seen. No one's gonna find that pocket, Toby. I like to put a little secret in all my clothes. That's right. No one knows that this shirt's actually got a propeller in it. [propeller whirring] But tell me, what's the- what's the resource, what's the use of this new secret pocket you put in there, Toby? Hahahahahooh! It's a secret! Well, colour me tantalised! [sucks on pipe] Ain't you gonna ask who it's for? I'm assuming the paying customers of your tailorin' the bizarre. In that's it's got a specific clientele in mind. All of my products are tailor made. I know. You're a tailor! Let me rephrase. All of my products are bespoke. No arguments from me. I just come in here and smoke meth in the back of the tailoring shop. Whooo-eeeh! I just love to watch you work, Toby. And I love to watch you smoke that meth. Who's the uh- Who are the trousers for, Toby? Who's those drawers for? The Big Man from New York City. Wow! You mean the Mayor? Or the Comptroller? Or the Superintendent of the school board? You're gonna have to narrow it down, there's so many big men in New York City. What was the second one you said? Comptroller. Define, please! The comptroller is in charge of the municipal board of a given area of a particular city. The New York has actually five different comptrollers, going to different five branches of New York. [applause and cheers] You got Manhattan- [applause and cheers] [applause and cheers] - You got Manhattan, you got- - Stop! Don't cheer over the end of the definition. Give him an excuse to peter out like that! You got Manhattan. Alright, alright. You got Bronx. You got Brooklyn. You got Long Island. It's NOT the Comptroller. Oh, which one? It's not none of the comptrollers. Oh, who's it for then? You're keeping me on tenterhooks, like a piece of sirloin. Don Ciciccio. [hits wall] NO! Baby, you swore you were not gonna work with no mafioso types no more. You promised me on our wedding day. But the money's so good! Yeah, but the risks are so large! But with the money I could open up my own boutique in New York City! But what's wrong with our boutique here in Arkansas? Don't you like Arkansas? It's good, but it's small, and I'm so misunderstood. Oh! I understand you. I love you. I remember the first date we went on, and you knitted me that handkerchief, and I patted my brow, and I went "Wooo, that is one small man!" A small man with a helluva lot of dreams. - But you were work- - You remember the secret that was in that handkerchief? 'Cause there is always something secret in everything I make. I remember. I was dabbing my brow after our first date 'cause Mama was asking how I was doing, and I was so twitterpated! I was dabbing my brow, and then I- I realised my sweat had uh- shown some invisible ink and it just said: "I'm a virgin." But that's not true anymore, is it, darlin'? You deflowered me on that date. That's right. I picked you like the last dandelion of the season. And I blew your seed all over the field. But I'm scared, you working for the Don. W- What if you get in trouble? What if they see your amazing stitchwork that can only be done by you, and they- and Tony- uh- eh- not Tony, and the Don use- uses it for something nefarious, and then you're implicated as an accessory to a crime? It's just one little pair of trousers. But what's the secret pocket for, Tony? Why would a mafiosa need a secret pocket? It sound like it's gonna be something no good. You know I can't give away the secrets of my clients. Not even to your wife? [sucks on pipe] Not even to your lovin', bumptious, meth-smoking wife? I don't wanna get you in trouble. The less you know, the better. I was in trouble the day I met you. [sucks on pipe] Aah, fuck yeah! Looks like you got a customer. I'm just worried about you, Tony, that's all. I'm just worried. You’re so- You're so beautiful when you're fretful. - I'm afraid- - (old voice) Good afternoon! Okay. I'll be in the back in the parlour. I'll see you later. Cooking more meth. I believe you have a package for me. Are you- Are you- Are you blind? What a man does or does not see depends very much on the quality of the light with which he is dealing. Well, my workspace is always very well lit. Here you go. You will receive your payment. When? If you wanna work with people like me And let me tell you, there ain't many people like me. You'll learn better than to ask questions. Have yourself a good day now. Thank you, Don Ciciccio. Oh! I was here the whole time, Boss. I was just making sure the place is safe. That's what I like to hear. You got what you needed. Oh! The Don always gets what he needs. Hot-diggidy darn! [knocks on door] Chief, I gotta speak to you right now! I'm already in your office. Uh- Chief. Uh- Constable- Oh, fuck! He's here. What I gotta do with two of you in my office? I gotta take- I can't do nothing with two of you in my office. I got a break in the case, Boss. Would it be better if there were three of us in your office? Guys- I- I've been here for a while, I didn't know how to say it, Boss. Look, guys, uh, uh, uh, m- one at a time, okay? - One at a time, and you're doin' my head in. - Whoa! I- I- I was just here to announce that Constable Doohickey wanted to come into your office to talk to you. Oh, well! Fucking great! Thank you so much for that! - Now I’m gonna be- - And I was- I was just here 'cause I couldn't work out how to use the door. I swear! This goddamn police department. I need uh- I need- I need to get on you boys more. You know? Woah! Hey, don't you give me that face, or you'll be outta here in ten seconds. You understand me? - I wanna be outta here in ten seconds. - Alright. I wanna be back on the streets! There's a break in the case, Boss! - I a- - Alright! I also wanna be outta here. Please, just show me how to use the door! It's- Just go through the door! That's right. You go like you- - you turn and you pull. - Open it! Show him! Oh! It's an innie. Not an outie! Yeah- Well, actually, it goes both ways. What?! Then I don't know why I struggled. Let me try again! Okay. And then I turn over here, - and then it doesn't work. - No! NO! That's a shelving unit! That's a shelving unit? Yeah. So where- where is the door? Officer! Oh, hey! I wanted to talk to you. I don't know how to use the door! We're gonna cut all of this out in the edit, right? Yeah, okay. Just- You know what? Why don't you just stay here? I'll just- I think maybe just take a seat. - I'll sit down? - Jimmy- Jimmy, take a seat. - I'll be under your desk if you need me. - You sure about that? Boss, he's pissed himself! - He's been in here for two days! - I know. Oh, no, no, no! He's fine. He's- He's on a- He's an intern. Listen! - Don- - I'm gonna close the door. Wait! You mean it was ope- Aah. Don't worry about it, Jimmy. Talk to me! Talk to me! The Don was spotted in Arkansas. Arkansas? That's right. That's way out of- That's a way away from his turf. Yeah. Arkansas is quite far from New York. Yeah! What is he doing out there? What's his plan? Well my S. O. in Arkansas said he went to a tailoring shop, you see. Tailoring shop? Tony. You know Tony? Tony the tailor? Tony the tailor. Heee's great! [cheers] No? He is great. He's good. Does fantastic work. But the thing about Tony is always he puts a secret in every single one of his clothing items, okay? So therefore if- If the Don's gone to see him, what's he want? What's he keeping secret in his new pair of trousers or whatev-? Sorry, I couldn't ov- help but overhear. I- Were you guys talking about TOBY the tailor? 'Cause I'm pretty sure it was Toby. I'm pretty sure it was Tony. Was it Toby or Tony? [audience member] It was Toby. (proud Luke) Yeah! Alright! Fuck you, Doohickey! Tom: Wait! I fucked your wife! Okay! I need order in my police department. There's a reason nobody trusts us anymore, okay? - I- It's- It's n- - SHUT UP! I was just gonna say it's the racism. It's not- Shut up! Why are telling the only Filipino employee to shut up? Hey! I swear to god! The haircut's not helping, Chief! My wife told me it looked good. So I did it. Well, apparently my wife's been fucking Detective Clancy. Hey, it's a bad time for us all. So what are you sayin'? I'm sayin' that the Don is obviously gettin' some trousers or some- some outfits with some secrets in them. And therefore we bust him now, when he's wearing Tony's trousers or Tony's jacket, - T- - Therefore we can find the secret- - Luke: It's Toby for fucks sake! - It's Toby. - You know it's Toby. OH, GODDAMNIT! Hey! Did you- Are you sure you know about the comptrollers? 'Cause you were telling me- You were telling me about them earlier, and I don't know. I know about comptrollers, okay? Okay. But you know that the letter B and the letter N. I watch Sesame Street, and they said they're different letters. Detective! Oh! Which one of us are you talking to? - You! - Okay. Aaah. [disappointed audience] Are you sure? He seems to be a fan favourite. Maybe you make him the lead of the s- story, - and I'll just- - NO! I'll go and see why my wife's been - fucking other people - No, forget that! I'll have a whole emotional struggle with my wife. I want you to go down to that store! In Arkansas? In Arkansas. It's outside of my jurisdiction, Boss. Not this time. Oh. Don- The Don is our jurisdiction. - You've forgotten his name, haven't you? - Yes. Don Ciciccio! I really think I should be in this fucking room. - Okay, I- - Don Ciciccio is ours. He's our jurisdiction no matter where he goes. You understand? Alright, Boss. What if we go undercover? What? You mean you three bozos goin' undercover? - All three of us?! - No, maybe just that guy over there! Hey, you know what- [audience cheer] How about this? You guys have pissed me off so much today that if you three don't go down there, and solve this case, you're fired. I really think I should speak to my wife. Yeah, you should. You three. You solve this. You understand me? You want us three, including him to go and talk to the tailor? Are you sure about that? I really wanted- I wanna get- I want a face to face with Don Ciciccio myself. [cheers] You got one chance. [opens door] Tom: Ah-aah! [AJ slams door] Hi, honey! I prefer it when you cook it. I know, it's just- you know, it's been a long day. I just wanna enjoy my weekend, feeling nice and mellow. You know, I've still not been paid. I'm getting a bit worried about it to be honest. Oh my god, I think this- this- this stuff's bad. I just saw a tiny bald man runnin'- runnin'- runnin' through my bedroom. Oh my god! Baby, maybe- maybe I've been hitting the stuff a bit too much recently. Do you need a lie-down? [doorbell rings] I thought I already was. - I'm- - Oh, I heard the doorbell. I think. I'm gonna go and throw up in the bathroom. You do that, sweetheart. (British accent) Oh! Hello. I'm just a local British man. (British accent) Me too. Pip pip. (exaggerated British accent) Alright, geezer! We're just a three- - Three British men. - Ssss- British men. Looking for some trousers. Trousers. Or as you call them, - Pants. - pants. Could we look into your store, please, sir? Or as we call them, shops. Why, of course. Please all three of you come in. Actually, there's only space for two. I'll leave. NO! Hey. Hey. Hey guys, I- (proud Jimmy) I made it out of the car. Do you wanna wait in the car for a bit, - and I- I'll go in- - Chief! I also realised, why did you come with us? I just- I want- I want- I might- I might as well be a part of this. Otherwise I'll have to sit on the side for the rest of the show. Okay, well. (British accent) I'm English. I'm English as well. We should- What are you gentlemen looking for? What- We've reconfigured our group. Yeah. That's right. I thought you were going to stay in the car. Yeah. That's right. Oh, I liked him. I- - What are you- - I can bring him back. No. That's alright. Come back. Ohhh! Great! We're looking to try on some trouuusers. Trousers, hmmmm? Well, let me take your measurements. Schhhp! Oooh! Just like this. Yeah? Yes. That's right. Hmmmm. Thirty two. Maybe thirty four. Thirty. Hmmmm. I'm gonna go and check the - backroom. - Inseam. Huhhh! - Sorry about that. - I- I would come with you but there's a door. So- I'll be here being British. I'll cover. I get lonely sometimes. Don. What brings you to see me? The Comptroller. Heeeehhhh! Nice pants. New? Very new. Nice. They look good on you, Don. Everything looks good on the Don. [attention-seeking meeoww] I got a new cat. It's so sweaty! I see you went for one of those Egyptian hairless ones. Yeah. You see, - I used to be allergic to- - Haa. You know, the ones with hair. So I thought this way I can get my- my feline love without the sneezes. It's- It's a very muscular cat. Yeah. We go to the gym together. What do you want, Don? You want s- selling some new ice in Bronx or Brooklyn. What are you here for? What do you need? What- Thing is, for a long time now, I've been leaving my business - to the- - Who are you talking to? I would thank you not to interrupt. I'm sorry. I've been leaving my business to my lieutenants. Sometimes my lieutenants are too lieuinient. What? They're too lenient, and they're lieutenants. So I- I told them they're too lieuinient. It's a fun wordplay. Sometimes [opens secret pocket] - you gotta do a job by yourself. - Woah! What was that secret pocket that just opened? It was THIS! Haaaaaaah! Ah! - Ahaha! - Ah! - Aaahhhh! - Aahhhh! Tssssss! - Tssssss! - Aaaaahhhhh! [worried meow] [sad meow] A 100% pure dose of meth direct to your jugular. [worried meows] You'll be dead in thirty seconds. Gwawrghhaaa! Bleughhleughhha! But for those thirty seconds, Bleugh-wuaghhluehhhha! You're gonna have one HELL OF A RIDE! Blwghhhhhhwwwaaa bleughaaaa! Aaaaaaaah! Ooohhh! Eughhhhb euyahhhhh! [screaming] Marty, Marty, Marty. Marty! Marty. That's your name, right? Wait, wait! Were you Marty? I think I killed the wrong comptroller. It doesn't matter. Anyone who thinks they comptrol anything 'round here has to answer to the Don. Hey pussycat. You look at me when I'm talking to you! Clean this up for me, yeah? And I'll make sure you're looked after. [the face of a man who regrets his previous decision] Why'd you have hair product in? Alright! The money came through. Oh! I guess it's me. The money came through. Well, there you go. - D'you- - And I sent those three or four guys packin'. They were pryin' for information, but I didn't tell 'em what was in that secret pocket. Well, you won't tell me nothin', but you keep your secrets now. It's okay. But I feel like I have to. [opens newspaper] Comptroller dead. That's why. You killed the- No! I didn't kill the Comptroller. But the secret pocket- Why is there guilt in your eyes, Toby? [cheers] (indignant Luke) For remembering a name?!?! How low is the fucking bar? You're forgetting, I remembered it while really high on meth. Toby, you've gone too far with your secrets now. They got a comptroller dead. New York City's gonna go into wreck and ruin without that comptroller. What if he didn't kill the wrong Comptroller? What if he's gonna kill more of them? We gotta stop him. The other four Comptrollers of New York City? Yeah. Is it worth it, Toby? Is it worth for you to have your little boutique in New York City? For all this blood in your hands. - No! - Seeping into your needle. Rrrrrreaching into your brain. I don't think it is. I was wrong. We gotta get over there. We gotta stop him. I'm not allowed to cross state lines. I've got a special pair of trousers with an extra special pocket. Just for you. Has it got a warrant for drug trafficking? You get in those trousers, you. Fair enough. Give me them. Get inside. They're beautiful. And now, I'm gonna put them on. There we are. You're perfectly hidden! Next stop: New York City. I should've never have come with you. Yeah. It was real weird, Boss. Uh- Uh- Now the Comptroller's dead. Who knows what's gonna happen next. The city's a tinderbox. A tinderbox. You- Put your badges on the table. [audience gasp] Shhhiiiing! You too, Jimmy. Your internship is over. [audience] Awwwwww! [audience] Booooooo!!! I- I- >:(( Wh- Szchhhhhk! Well, I guess even though I made it myself. [audience] Awwwwww! Come on! It was my fault. Give the kid another chance. - It was your fault, too. - Another chance- You shouldn't have left your jurisdiction to go to Arkansas, and let the Comptroller be completely unguarded. You fucked up, too, Chief. You fucked up, too. Are you squaring off to me? I ain't- not got no badge anymore. So I don't actually work for you, do I? No, you don't. [door opening] [barking!] [barking back!] [semi-barking?!] :D Sorry gu- I don't know if this is a bad - time or- - There was a second door? [distressed Jimmy] There's a guy outside wearing some really weird pants. And he wants to talk to ya. It's not me. I'm- I'm in here. I mean, you just took his badge, and you took my badge this morning. You're runnin' out of options. Yeah. We're leavin'. - Yeah. We're leavin'. - 'Cause it'll be much easier. For the story. I'm sorry, kid. I'm sorry. Oh! How can I help you? Toby. Yeah. That's right. Toby the tailor. Toby. I got a confession to make. - What is it? - I sold some trousers to Don Ciciccio with a secret pocket that holds meth. Undetectable meth. What do you mean? Explain yourself! I just did. The Don's been using that meth to kill comptrollers. Well, only one, so far. But maybe more. Potentially four more to make five. - You mean- - Yeah. That's right. You mean he's gonna go around the city, and kill all those comptrollers. The city will be in dust in matter of hours. - Wh- - I reckon you've gotta send your best best officer to impersonate one of the comptrollers, and stop him. Sam: Sorry. Before he Ummpf! cleans the city of comptrollers. The most essential of high-ranking roles. Sorry. [opens zipper] I can't do that anymore. I'm sorry. Oh my god! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! - It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. - AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! It's okay, Jimmy. It was just a disguise. MITOSIS! No! No! MITOSIS! It's- What are you- It's the process of cell division. Oh, I see. I'm just a cop. Don't worry. - Every- - I'm sorry. We didn't mean to deceive you. It's just technically I'm not allowed to be in New York City, but uh- I wanted to support my husband. 'Cause he- He knows he did wrong, and he wants to make up for it. That's right. Son? Dad? :) Shhhh! Don't let anybody know about it. DAD?! I didn't know! You didn't? The resemblance. I've been looking my whole life. Daddy? I swear we had a conversation about this earlier on. AAAHHHHH! I guess I was distracted. The whole time, I was just like: Oh! Cause you'll be- - I'll help you out- - There's no time for this. - Four comptrollers' lives are at stake. - Sorry. - He's- - He's- - Son! Daddy! My best- - I know it's a lot to take on right now. - Huh! My best officers are all gone. - Why? Why are your best officers gone? - [throwing up] Because I fired them. Well, that's your problem. Son! Hiiii! Daddy! Take your homemade badge. I was still holding it! Oh! This is a real badge! A real badge. Take it. Listen. Take your gun. Aaaaaaahhhhhh! If you're gonna take that Don down single-handed in a scene that goes on for about three to four minutes just you and him, you're gonna need this. It's the strongest meth I know. Okay! Shhhhhh! That's not- Oh, Jesus! - YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! - Oh my god! Son! Boss, there's somebody at the door. Well then answer the door. Like a civilised person. [wailing] Wailing Robbie, I told you not to do that anymore. Sorry. - I just had a moment. - Oh! I apologise. You're okay? I'm totally fine. I thought you weren't okay. Now, let me just see if everything's okay. OH NO! [wailing] Wailing Robbie, come on now. Wailing Robbie? Wailing Robbie, what's going on? Ah! Just got you there. - Didn't I? - Aaah! You had me. - You had me. You did. - You know, it's good to be your- Bodyguard's not just a- about protecting - you. It's also about- - Don't- Don't touch my nipples. Sorry. Anyway, I'll uh- Sam: Oh, god! I'll just- Go and answer the door. I will. Ha- - Have you answered the door? - [door opening] [audience member] Meow! Wai- Oh, there's a puddycat (sic!). No time. Robbie? Is somebody there? Who is it? OoOoOoOoOoOoOo! STOP IN THE NAME OF THE LAAAAAW!!! You come into my home, and you yell at me? I'VE GOT TEN FINGERS! :D Why don't you take a seat? III'LL STAND! You look out of breath, son. You sure you wouldn't rather calm down and speak more quietly? NO! No! [out of breath Tom] I'm here to take you in. Youuuuu've been killing comptrollers all over the place, and I'm gonna tell you what I think I think- [Jimmy's well-articulated thoughts] No. Get it all out. [Jimmy continues] But wai- Oh! You're not done. [Jimmy has so much to say] But here's the thing. Here's the thing. [loud exhales] Morality isn't a black and white situation. You need to recognise that when I'm taking away a comptroller, I'm putting something else in its place. The greatest secret of all: An outfit that looks exactly like the Don's office walls. Ah! Ah! [applause and cheers] Sheeeeng! [magician-like escape] Stop! Toby, stop! You're under arrest for murder. I'm gone, kid, (fading) kid, kid,... Oh! No! I'll take you in for this. Ah! [purring meow] I'll catch you. I'll make the streets a safer place. Oh! I'm gonna get every single one of you. Every murderer there is. I'll be the best cop in the world, and I'll do it as soon as I step out of this- And scene! Thank you! [applause and cheers]